Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Our Planet Conservators Are Winning

We Lemmings have political parties pretty much of the same ilk or elk as do you humans of the WestCulture digs.

The Compassionateless Conservators among us urge for the unleashing of the mutated bird flu so that we can eradicate the planet of the human infestation and save our species as well as the Planet.

After all, it is part of our religious beliefs that Lemming-kind was given intelligence and dominion over all other life forms on Earth so that we can act as responsible stewards; so that we can protect and preserve the sentient, but regretfully less intelligent, life forms on the planet, ensuring their well being and ability to pursue happiness in whatever way they seek as long as they do not unduly trespass on the rights of other inhabitants of this shared Mother Earth O'lemm.

As some of you know, the humans have been unleashing massive amounts of carbon dioxide and other dangerous compounds into the atmosphere. At first this was not so bad because it delayed the coming of the next Ice Age. (We lemmings can handle cold weather as long as there is grass enough to chew on.) But now, the unleashing of the CO2 is getting out of hand. The humans cannot stop themselves even though some of them --not all-- understand the dire consequences of cooking the Planet a bit too much.

The more Limbic Leaning in our Burrow-hood say that humans are sentient and deserve a second chance. Maybe we can make contact with the more intelligent parts of their herd and make them see the errors of their ways. Why kill them simply because they are ignorant? Maybe they can be "educated". Maybe they can reverse course and become co-stewards of the planet rather than destroyers. We at the Lemming Institute have been working towards this goal.

Unfortunately, the Compassionateless Conservators among us are winning the political battle. Today they crow about how the humans are begging for the unleashing of the mutated bird flu. Our Conservators point to an esteemed human publication known as "The New York Times". They point to a Co-Conservative editor of the NYT who begs for "HOT" concentration of human creatures so that the virus can be more effectively distributed.

The same ignoramus savant, our Compassionateless Conservators point out, demonstrates that the humans will never learn science. According to the NYT biography page, this Co-Conservative editor, John Tierney, was a staff writer for the humans' "Science" magazine. But in the 8/30/2005 NYT piece by John Tierney, our Compassionateless ones crow, he proves that humans will never learn science and will never reverse their ignorant ways.

John Tierney writes: "Since S.U.V.'s and other heavy vehicles require more room to brake, they need more empty pavement between them and the next car." What kind of science savant is this? Does he not even know basic thermodynamics? Does he not know that braking distance is a function of kinetic energy (E= 1/2 m v ^2) and rate of conversion of that kinetic energy into a nonkinetic form? If this is the height of human intellect at the NYT, then our Compassionateless Conservators will win. They will convince our leaders to unleash the mutated bird flu.

If you are a semi-intelligent human, please take note. Help us to help you. Do not let such science fiction permeate among your masses. Their will be no hope if you each become a dope. We at the Lemming Institute care.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Intelligent Evolution

DNA specialists at the Lemming Institute have been working hard at tracing back to the origins of the Human species and also those of our glorious Lemmingkind.

They believe in a theory called "Intelligent Evolution".
All living creatures sprang from what we call the Earth Mother'ollem.

Then a great divide developed.
One species, our glorious one, followed the path of EleaNoR Roost O'lemm, our mother hen.

The Human species deviated along unsure pathways.
One of the missing links is called RoNaLd Right Grin. The humans worship him greatly.
A less populated branch went off in the alien ways of woody banana brain. A gene from the banana brain branch mixed in with the human kinds, which is why they sometimes demonstrate a modicum of intelligence.

We hope to make contact with the woodsy side of the human kind and return them to harmony with Earth Mother'Ollem.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Ignoramus and Proud of It

Here is an example of the problem we, at the Lemming Institute face when we try to make intelligent contact with the humans.

They admit they know next to nothing. And they are PROUD of it !!!

Take this editor from the New York Times (please). His name is John Tierney. He makes a bet for $10,000. A considerable amount of burrowing value as we understand it.

He proudly proclaims, "I know next to nothing about oil production" as he takes on one of the more aware of the human species, Matt Simmons.

John explains his sound logic: "I'm just following the advice of a mentor and friend, the economist Julian Simon: If you find anyone willing to bet that natural resource prices are going up, take him for all you can."

"Julian's widow, Rita Simon, a professor at American University ... thought the bet sounded so good she wanted a piece of the action herself," he goes on.

"The price of oil has risen before - it quintupled in the 1970's. But then it dropped, thanks to new discoveries and technologies, validating the Cornucopians' optimism," he reasons.

Call me a scattered under the ground brain, but didn't he just admit that prices did go up? And then he is 101% sure prices always go down?

We at the Lemming Institute fail to understand the "sound" logic of the humans.

Have you eaten any low-priced cod fish lately Mr. Tierny? That's a "natural resource". And guess what? The price is not trending historically down. The species and its chance of survival are trending historically down. The Lemming Institute gives equal odds to the Human species --not that we like to eat your flesh, you cod over-consumers!

According to LemmLore (history), there was a time when fresh air was free. Now, humans have to pay for it. Maybe some of that above ground pollution is s getting to their heads and fouling up their logic circuits?

Friday, August 19, 2005

The Shee Dove Departs

The Shee Dove Departs.

The Hee Hawk Emerges from his Hideout.

Triumphant !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clevers of Crawford Lose Their Shee Hen

They have eyes, yet they cannot see.
They have ears, yet they cannot hear.
They have brains that bulge with so much brilliance
---that it blinds them to the power of simple imagery,
---and it deafens them against the cooing coo of the bird flock.

Once the Shee Hen flies away,
the Craw Nest will be empty.
The magic will be gone.

They who are "Liberal" Thinkers
will not a clue have about "why"
the stampede of Sheena tribe has lost its drum bleat.
They have ears but they cannot hear.
Is that the sound of a single rover clapping?

--A midnight analysis from the Lemming Institute.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Cindy-She-Who Cares?

Lemming World is Deeply - Divided.

Half of us want to work on irradicating the Human Infestation.

The other Half believe in Intelligently Designed Communication and Re-Capitation.

The Human Creatures are Tipping Over Planet Earth.

We Lemmings have to save ourselves.

The Compassionateless Half of us say: Unleash the Bird Flu, use the nuke 'em option.

The Liberalist Half say: No, let us try to communicate with "Them"

Let us help them put their heads back on.

Let us "re-capitate" their de-captitated bodies.

Here at the Lemming Institute, we work on that problem.

How do you make the Human Creatures sit up and listen?

Two recent events give us clues.

(1) The Terri She-My-Doe incident, and

(2) The Cindy of Crawford She Hen incident.

The Humans went crazy when those alarm noises were sounded. Something resonated in their cranial echo chambers.
It is part of their "sound" logic systems.
If we can activate these logic systems, we might succeed in reactivating a "thinking" process within the Humans. If they "think" ... then:
They may realize they are cooking the Planet.
They may realize they are depleting vital resources.
Let us study the details ... {in next lecture}

Hardball Men Fond Of Tag Team Femme Fighting

Lemming Institute was ringside for the Chris Matthews Heavy Weight Match last night (exclusive, only on "Hardballs") and here is how we score it: Even before the Bush Babes stepped into the ring, Cindy Norris Sheehan TKO'd Talkhead Chris with her Torrent of Tears and fancy footwork around his Matt Traps. Team mate Diddling Deedee barely hung on by the ropes. Bullhat Bohan was disqualified for illegal lack of eye contact. No sunglasses allowed in this eyeball to hard eyeball combat zone. Iraq babe scored well for good looks and cute accent. Judges later ruled that she committed out-of-burka communication and was thus not representative of "her people". Bare shouldered babes with moving mouths are not in their Constitution. Iraq Babe still gets 2nd runner up prize for remarking: "I see bad people everywhere." She's been checking in at the Craw Cave. That's it. LIVE from ringside!!! This has been a Lemming Institute sports moment.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Mr. & Mrs. Shee-smith

In this Mad Mad World,

He Who was the Bunker Buster

Becometh now, the Buster in the Bunker

The War within is the War without.

This is a political parody. Original cartoon. The Real Mr. & Mrs. Smith..

Satire aside, we at the Lemming Institute see a Deepening Divide growing inside the Westculture part of the digs as well as around the World, between East and West. One half "feels" strongly and unrelentingly that their view of the Universe is the only true one and the other half "feels" equally strongly that their's is the only correct view. We see the divide between the Male-Lemms and She-Lemms. We see the divide between the Moos-Lemms and Chris-Lemms. We see the divide between the RedStaters and BlueStaters. What is going on? Can it be that only one side is right and the other has no validity? Only a Solomon or Salman would be wise enough to understand.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

EGG Problem

Today, the LIGHT Institute observes you humans misunderstanding the Chicken Little and EGG problem.

EGG= Exponentially Growing Gap !!!!

This time Chicken Little is right, except it's not the sky that is falling, it is the floor that is caving in from under us. Our Labyrinth of Prosperity is crumbling under the weight of reality: Resources are finite.

Forgive us. This was hastily put up when oil futures on your "markets" hit the 66.6 number or somewhere near there

There is something called Hubbert's curve. Google it.
Better yet, sit through all of Robert's Power Point (You'll just love Easter Island this time of the year !!!!)

There is something called exponential growth curve. Google it.

Put them together and your egg is split open, ... cracked. Grok that.

For more information, Google "Peak Oil"

We lemmings are getting nervous. You humans are exceeding the planets carrying capacity for your kind of activities. The permafrost is melting. We are all tipping over as the planet hits the tipping point. Please stop.

He died for "Her"

Cindy Sheehan hounds the Cave of the Cowardly Craw wanting to know why her son, Casey died.

She is determined to "smoke 'em out".

Find the truth.

Sadly the truth is ....

Casey died for "Her",

and not for "Him"

It's one of those "you don't want to know" truths that Jack Nicholson would tell you about if you had the testicular fortitude to handle the truth.
But probably you don't.
We are not who we think we are.
"W" does stand for "women".

And "osaMa" stands for "men" --for a man dominated society. Casey died for "Her"

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Met with "Him" but not with "Her"; Hmmmm

He met with "Him"

He won't meet with "Her"

Is anything starting to "resonate"
in your heads yet humans?

A simple question from the LIGHT*
(Lemming Institute of Geo-rooted Higher Thinking)

P.S. The resonance is starting to rock the house of Sheena:
Carol Marin (Chicago Sun Times)

Maureen Dowd (New York Times)

Alex Roth (San Diego Union Tribune)

Jules Witcover (Baltimore Sun)

Norman Solomon

Oh the Hubris Of the Humanity

More notes from the LIGHT* underground:

(Lemming Institute of Geo-rooted Thinking)

Oh you Humanity !!

Oh your Hubris !!

In the 1930's, you humans started building a network of Zeppelins to carry yourselves haughtily about the planet. The venture ended in a fiery disaster.

Around the same time, you humans began to rely on oil extracted from the underground to carry yourselves and your food stuffs swiftly about the planet. That venture too will end in a spectacular disaster.

Many of your experts already warn you of the Petro Plunge that is coming. Yet you deny and defy all logical arguments with cliff-noted cliches.

"It's carried us this far and it will carry us further," you say.

Guess what? That's what the passengers on the Hindenburg said.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Lemming Institute Observation

A note from the Lemming Institute of Geo-rooted Higher Thinking (We always see the LIGHT (tm). )

It has come to our attention that you Humans laugh at us. Just because you are bigger ... You think you are smarter, better, than us.

We have been studying you. In many ways you act just like us lemmings.

You operate on "sound logic". You operate on myth and intellectual incantations. We have observed and clearly documented this phenomenon.

Take this "Cindy Sheehan" at Crawford incident which is unfolding in the Westculture part of your digs. We have experts that study your Westculture. The combined phonic patterns of "Cindy" and "Crawford" somehow trigger thoughts about "Beauty" in the convoluted heads of your westculture population.

The combined concepts of Beauty and battle trigger thoughts about "Beauty and the Beast" and "David versus Goliath" in your convoluted heads. You have been programmed to respond in this way. We have followed your programming content and found many teaching sites that teach your lemmlings to follow in the ways of the "Cindy Crawford," especially your young she-lemms. You have many teaching sites with stories from your "Bible", including stories about small and beautiful versus the big, powerful and careless.

(We little lemms have stories like your David v. Goliath in our worshipping books too.)

The decoding of the sound bites, "Cindy" and "crawford" happens in the deep underground tunnels of your gray matter. It never surfaces to the top of your consciousness. So you never see it. Instead you experience a feeling of "resonance". Something gets you excited. Something makes you feel this is an important event. Something makes makes you sense there is a "Show Down at the OK Corral" happening here. You are not clear though on why this is.

We've been studying you.

You are a strange and illogical gang of gooseheads driving your Speed Bus mindlessly towards the Ledge.

We would not mind if you go over the edge. But you are dragging us over with you. You are cooking the Planet. You are depleting all the grass lands.

We need to study you so we can save ourselves.

Cindy @ Crawford

Cindy @ Crawford ? There is no connection. The idea sounds silly.
No right minded head would head that way.
Show Down at The Not-so-OK Corral?

Cindy @ Crawford versus the Big Bad Bush?
No way.
My gray stuff doesn't process preposterous propositions.
There is no "Beauty" and there is no "Beast".

My gray matter never connects the dots.
I am a being of higher intelligence.
I operate on "sound" logic.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Cindy Sheehan, A Sleeping Cinderella --or-- Beauty in the Ditch?

The Lord Provider,
Upon hearing of the squaw squawking outside his
Cave of the Cowardly Craw
Did issue this edict:

"Ditch the B____ ,, the beauty"

"What have I started?, What have I started?" stammered sweet Cindy.

Her Fairy God-mother appeared.

"Listen Dear,
Listen real carefully
Listen to the Sound and the Fury

As a "She"-han, You come in the Name of the Mother,
As a greiver, You come in the shadow of the Fallen Son.
Do you not hear what you have started?

The sound of a thousand she-lem paws now pound in resonance
against the Foundations of the Fraternity of the Fried Flintstems

Not since Terri She-my-Doe has the resonance rocked the roof of the Labyrinth. But that my deer is a fairy tale for another day.

She-Lemm Sheehan Hounds Chief Sitting Bush

Oh the audacity.

Our great Chief, Sitting Bush has retired to the Cave of the Cowardly Craw after a hard hard session with Congress. He has expended so much for the Energy Will-i-am. He has secured a sound future for our sound minds, for the Prosperity of the Labyrinth.

And now this lowly She-Lemm ,
This Cindy Sheehan
Dares to Hound our Provider of Peace, Prosperity and Protection
What is Lemm World coming to?

She-Lemm Sheehan dares to question the unfailing wisdom of the higher father and of our given son, the Great Chief Sitting Bush
She asks, Why is my JuneYear Lemmling over the Ledge before his time?

Oh the audacity.
Ours is not to question why.
Ours to obey and dive.

A She-Lemm should know her place in a Flintstem Fraternity !!

Sunday, August 07, 2005

All Lemm Worlds are Flat

A famous Grass-city Artist of ours

--you probably know him, Trimhead Freedlemm--

is known for explaining why

All Lemm Worlds are Flat.

Truer words are never spoken.

Of course, there are always 2 sides to a coin. That is true too. All truths are true.

"Truth is in the I of the Believer," my mamma used to say.

A number of you have been nosing arounding the Lemming holes lately. I hope you are not foxes. We are suspicious of anything that sounds like Fox.

Lemming World is simple. Lemming World is complicated.

You've met a couple of our denizens already, A. Lemm Greenspin and our great chief, Sitting Bush.

Oh, about JuneYear Jumpsoon; don't worry. It didn't happen yet. He did not die in My-Raq. That was what we call a fortnight-mare, just a dream. Since it did not happen yet, we can make it so it does not happen.

JuneYear is the son of George and Heather Jumpsoon. They live at 2010 Westculture Drive. They live on what you would call a cul de sac. That's a dead end road to nowhere. They are happy.

Just down the road from them are Dick and Jane Packbrain. They are happy too. They have a canine companion, Spot.

A little further back on the road live, Fried Flintstem and his wife Willmother. Often, their good friends, Barney Bumblehead and Bettonany come to visit.

Westculture drive is just a small set of digs in Lemming World.

Welcome. Close the door behind to keep the Foxes out.

And remember, All Lemm Worlds are Flat.

Lies Lemmama Done Told Me

" Sticks and Stones ,
Will break Lemm Bones ;
But Conservative C ompassionate words
Will never harm thee,"

my mamma always used to say.
(I'll tell you about the chuck-a-lots later.)

Now as I lay here resting,
my bloodied head upon this rock,
--I call it My-Raq by the way,
you can call it Your-Raq soon as they drag me away--

it suddenly comes into my realization,
that maybe mamma might'a been off her rockers

maybe words of warped reality are the most harmful of all things

... but who cares anymore?

just overheard the triage medic say no need to take this one to the hospital
he was pointin' at me bloodied head

Them was kind words
I like kind words
Always did

As Lemmama always said ....

---Posthumously signed, Private George Jumpsoon, JuneYear of the Army of the United Colonies of Lemmerica, 5th Battallion

P.P.S. Pvt. Jumpsoon Jy. served the Labyrnith well and will be awarded a meaningless lump of metal to comemerate all the years of hard work that Heather Heartthrob, his mother, put into raising and educating this fine Lemmling just so he can die for the glory of nationalism and tribal loyalty. Our great leader, Global Warmongering Bush-sitter (aka Sitting Bush) will present her with the lump of metal personally so that she and other Loyal Lemmings will see how compassionate he is about every Lemmling that goes over the Ledge for Love of Country and Inter-Burrow Flow of Free Fluidic Trade.

Intelligent Design of the Labyrinth

George Jumpsoon believes in "intelligent design".

He is not quite sure what "intelligent" means,
but clearly the Labyrinth of Prosperity he lives in has an intelligent look and feel to it.
After all, lemmings are intelligent and they helped build part of the Labyrinth and therefore "intelligent design" surely lurks there. That's proof enough for George.

George suspects that "intelligent" people do not need to look up "intelligent" in the dictionary.

One day, curiosity got the better of George.

He opened the Dictionary and looked up "intelligent".

Sure enough, it said:

Intelligent: the kind of people who never look here

That proved it for George. Now he knew "he" was intelligent because he had guessed the correct meaning.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Cranial Candy

George remembers fondly when he learned to "connect the dots" as a young Lemm. A little child in him still claps gleefully each time George recognizes a new pattern. Pattern Perception is Reward in itself. It's a form of BRAIN CANDY. Connect the dots. Read between the lines. Fill in the Gaps. Find the Hidden Happy spot. How smart I am says George silently to himself each time he is fed Brain Candy. It makes him feel good. He likes everything that surrounds the candy. George likes Mixed Messages that Sugar Shack his sense of well being. Life is Loverly for our Lemmings on the Ledge. The Past Presages Continued Progress for our Progeny. Just connect the dots.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Quantum Religion-ism

(Excuse. Sometimes the Lem Head has to Levitate above the Level-headed playing field and pontificate.)

David Brooks (NY Times) is a reptilian meat head.
So am I.
He thinks he knows "it" all.
So do I.

So recently, our reptilian herd member posted something to the effect of: "Islamic neofundamentalism occupies the same militant space that was once occupied by Marxism. It draws the same sorts of recruits (educated second-generation immigrants, for example), uses some of the same symbols and vilifies some of the same enemies (imperialism and capitalism)." (NYT editorials 8/4/2005).

This is really good, red-blooded reptile think.

Unfortunately David does not grok the concept of:
"Those who seek to dismember us because
we seek to dismember their way of life ... in their way of thinking."

It's not about "ideaology" Dave.
The war without is a mirror of the war within.

In order to find peace, we have to accept a Quantum Reality form of Religion. All truths are true at once.

Here are the tenants of Quanta-Realitigism:

1. Gode is One (Islam)
2. God is Three (Christianity)
3. God is Infinity (Hinduism)
4. Peace within is peace without.

It is only when we all accept the possibility that all beliefs rise from a common truth that we can come into harmony with that truth and with ourselves.

(The Lem Head now descends down to the den of the underground denizens, back to reality, and back to more good grass grazing. Thank you.)

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Lemm Commandments

George and Heather Jumpsoon are spiritual beings.

Over the years, the commandments of the LemmLord have been successfuly passed down from generation to generation. George and Heather refer to the first three as the " trinity".

Laws of the LemmLord:

1. One shall be, One shall continue.

2. True To Thy Tribe Thou Shalt Remain.

3. Reasonable Rationalization Rules.

4. Seeing is Believing (Based on Oneself's Sensations & Beliefs).

5. Lemme see, Lemme do (Succesful Mimicry)

6. Deviate not from thy Directed Direction.

6. All tunnels connect together.

8. Expect something of equal or greater value in return.

9. Expect to account for thy shortcomings.

10. Expect nothing in return

George likes the first commandment best. Heather is more fond of the second.

You know what they say, .... MaleLemms are from the Marsupial warrior warrens while, SheLemms are from the Venutian fields of family love.

To George, the first commandment means many things all at once. They all make sense. To be or not to be at the moment is a matter of survival. Those Lemms who chose the not option at a given moment, well Nature does not hear from them much after that. Clearly, "to be" is the correct choice.

Maintaining Oneness is also a good thing. One should avoid dismemberment. Being of one mind and one body is fundamental to being.

"Being" at the moment is good. But to continue beyond is far far better. George expects to continue beyond continuance, in one form or another, even after he "passes over" to the other side of the Ledge.

The second commandment gives George problems. Sometimes there is conflict between the needs of the One and what might be Truly good for the Tribe. George let's the LemmElite decide these hard hard questions for him. They know better.

There so much more to the Lemm Commandments. Alas, time is a limited resource.